I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
