i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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