I faked an abortion last night.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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