new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
