I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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