True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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