omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
