You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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