I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
