I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
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