can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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