i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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