I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
