we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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