I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
