Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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