Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
