The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
