so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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