Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
