I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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