pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
