When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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