The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
