from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
