i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
After last night, I could never be a politician.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
