Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Boobs speak an international language.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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