i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
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new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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