how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
