it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
