so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
