I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
