I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
We had to coat check the pizza.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Randomize
