I could have mohawked her pubes.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
