Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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