I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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