Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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