you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
