i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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