i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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