I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
