Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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