just come out here and I will go home with you...
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
