I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
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