you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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