How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Randomize
