"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
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She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
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Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize