Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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