he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
