Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Randomize
