I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
