just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
meet me or not, i'm out of control
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
