Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
