Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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