ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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