Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
